So, I turned 28 last Wednesday. This doesn’t really bother me, as I have never really been squeamish about my age (some may argue that I’m still young enough for it not to be an issue, but then I don’t think age should ever be an issue.)
It’s remarkable when I look back at the last ten years and what’s happened in my life. But I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m not quite where I should be. I never intended, at this junction, to be a teacher. I was so sure I was going to be a writer for a national magazine or newspaper. But at the crucial moment, I lost all confidence. I chose a different path. And although I’m successful in that career path I chose, it’s not ultimately where I think I will be for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, I think the boat has passed and that I am destined to stay on the same course. But then I think back to the statement at the start of this blogpost and think, “Why should I be held back?” Also, I then remember that Debbie Harry didn’t hit the big time until she was 31. I have three years left until I reach that.
Debbie Harry toiled for years until Blondie became big. I sort of do that now, what with the blog, the occasional freelancing and so on. I mean, I’m not saying I could be as big as Blondie (I’d never be so arrogant or assume so much- also my singing is horrendous), but I think Ms Harry can be an inspiration when I’m in the deepest depths of my despair.
I would love to finally have the confidence in my ‘novel’ ideas to actually get them down on paper and be really happy with what I produce. When I tell people the storyline, they always seem interested, but I can’t put down the thought that they’re feigning interest just to be polite. That nasty, vicious voice of self-doubt and self-loathing creeps in. FYI, it sounds a lot like a Disney villain. Ursula, to be exact.
To be honest, there’s not a lot I can do about it, except try and defeat the self-doubt and octopus lady voice. I need to get writing, rather than just talking about writing. I need to start asking around, offering freelance ideas. I need to be proactive, even though it’s uncomfortable. I should also stop putting the word ‘novel’ in inverted commas. How can anyone else take my ideas seriously if I don’t?
In short, I need to play Blondie really, really loudly and imagine I’m Debbie Harry.